Over the past year, I’ve come to realize just how much anxiety is taking a toll on me. After a great loss in my life, I was surprised that this was the feeling that was most overwhelming after the grief started to settle.

I remember being somewhat anxious and jumpy as a child — terrified something bad was about to happen; paralyzed over the most minute decision. I used to have to have my notebooks/binders match my textbooks. My preference. And so, I would think back to seeing the books of the grade above me and try to remember what color their books were so I could get the right color. 

I’m not really sure why anxiety was triggered so greatly this past year. Maybe it was the not hearing back. I get ridiculously anxious when I reach out to someone, and I don’t hear back right away. The longer the time passes, the more burnt out I feel from worrying I didn’t say the right thing or didn’t communicate effectively, as if the other person has no idea what I’m saying, and thus, doesn’t know how to respond. Yes, that must be the hold-up! 🤦🏽

Is anxiety saying I care too much about what other people think (and not enough about what I think)? I want to be liked too much? I want to do things perfectly the first time? Am I just afraid my fears may be true (not good enough, etc)? I don’t get it. I don’t want anxiety; but, it keeps coming up, and I’m trying to understand.

Of course, in this loss situation, I cannot hear back from someone who crossed over. (Actually, I can, but that’s another story for another time.) For months after the passing, I was overwhelmed with impending doom, which I believe affected my physical health. Ok, so started to get that part under control. Now, it’s insomnia. I’m always awake but not necessarily sleepy.

If you can relate and want to share, leave a comment below. 🙏🏿✨